I don't intend to make this LJ for my useless blabbering, instead I intend to use it for my creative works. But I can't help not to write about my current thoughts. It's related to my position as one of the moderators in certain mailing list. The mailing list is very active and crowded with thousand members though lately the mails that filled the inbox (which needs to be moderated first through us) is rather... unproductive I may say... The mailing list has pretty strict rules and we've made it clear since the first time new members join us since we're very active. So we (moderators) need to be very strict for our own good, included giving warning or reminder for the members who break the rules.

However, not everyone is able to understand what we do, why we are so strict until we can't afford there are times we look like a bunch of villains or gangsters. (hahahaha GANGSTER!! *rolls on the floor laughing*) We didn't stop reminding them until we give them warning, at first we give it publicly but recently it's given personally.

We want the mailing list to be fun and enjoyable to every member but fun doesn't mean we have freedom to do everything we want, does it? There are always rules that follow, it's inevitable. If there's no rules you can expect spam, junks, meaningless emails that's better deleted, unreadable emails, dangerous emails because it's regarding certain topics... Especially our members vary from all kind of people of all age, of all occupation, of all backgrounds, we can't afford to have them arguing everyday in the mailing list, can we? Where's the fun?

These past months our members are increasing but the quality of the emails is decreasing so we (moderators) decided to be stricter, not we weren't already. And there are people who protest, and they are supposed to understand the importance of being strict to the rules, being senior member. We don't enjoy our job really, but we can't help it. If we're too lenient, there's still a possibility of rulebreakers. If we're too hard, we gets complained and they quit the mailing list. So, you get the dilemma we're in don't you? If they can understand by being sent a warning once, we won't do it often and there will be no use of sending these warnings anymore. But still... how can we trust them if they don't even learn?

*sighs*

People tend to act know-all when they're not doing it on their own. Admit it, all of us have that tendency. Easier said than done. Because this time I'm not in the place of a member I am able to see things more clearly. Maybe the fault is mine, not the other moderators or the members. But if one another keep blaming each other, not trying to understand each other... All there is chaos. Just look in real life. There's a lot of example of those.

Humans are really complex beings. Sometimes I'm so tired to be in contact with them that I want to retreat in the safety of my home and never to get out until I'm all refreshed and ready. But this is the real world, where you meet and live with so many different kinds of people. There are times when I just want to break down and cry, and hide from the world, thinking myself no worth for anyone and no one will realize or miss my absence. But I always know that I'm worth for someone and there are people who will realize or miss my absence, even how few they are. And that's what matters most.

I'm still learning. We won't stop learning until our time is running out. We do mistakes and learn from it. None of us perfect. I will keep walking on the path that has been laid for me, I'm going to stay on this path however hard it may be and I hope I won't be completely alone on my journey. I truly wish... you'll be there to remind me, to guide me, to accompany me in choosing and walking down the right path...

~This last paragraph is meant for Him spesifically... but I truly wish it's included my family and friends~